At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
