is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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