based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
