I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
