My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
