i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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