you didnt know i had herpes?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
