I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You made me cry and you don't even care
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
