I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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