I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
