I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
