Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
