my phone needs a breathalizer
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
