I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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