on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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