Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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