my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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