I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
