he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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