oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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