There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
