Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
