This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
