her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
