You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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