We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
