and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize