my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
