I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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