I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just found puke in my bra..
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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