Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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