Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize