hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
