Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
