You don't have asthma, your pregnant
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
