so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
