Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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