a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize