By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
