Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
