he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
