I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
