I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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