he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize