I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
