So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
