Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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