Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
