I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
