Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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