omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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