I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
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