so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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