My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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