If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize