She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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